G. B. Risch's


Predicting Your Doom So You Can Plan Your Day

As read by the Eerie Archimedes Eye


Your life has been burdened with many phobias, Gemini. But this fear of death you’ve been obsessing over for the past few days is completely unfounded. Instead, maybe focus a little more on your fear of falling into an open manhole into the expecting jaws of an inbred sewer alligator who had just swallowed a live stick of dynamite and is about to trip into a vat of hydrochloric acid. You were pretty spot-on with that one. Happy landings!


Death by chocolate seems to be a fitting description of your ultimate fate, Leo! On a blustery Thursday, you will be flattened by a slow-moving steamroller. And although your sweet tooth had nothing to do with your demise, if you ate a carrot every now and then, maybe you could have outrun your death!


After losing a ten-year trial, The Eerie Archimedes Eye vs. Christmas, the court has ordered that I must spread Christmas love and cheer during this horrid wonderful holiday. Hence, I cannot predict any more deaths until the new year, no matter how horridly gruesome, painful, and hysterical they may be. Merry Christmas, Capricorn!


‘Tis the season to be jolly—for everyone except you, Sagittarius! As you open an unmarked holiday gift, a gorilla will jump out of the box and pummel you to a fine powder. The bad news is you will not survive; the good news is your mother will be able to clean said powdered remains easier with the Dirt Devil Pro you gave her as a present. Now that you know, try and act surprise, will you?


Your cheery disposition toward life will ultimately be your downfall, Aries! On your deathbed, surrounded by friends and family, you will reassure everyone by repeating “be positive” over and over again. Mistaking this for your blood type, you will then die with a gallon of B+ blood in your body, when what could really have saved your life was “be negative.”


Beware, Scorpio! You will be struck down by a giant, rolling wheel of cheese. In a future life, you would be wise to be less intolerant—even to lactose. It was Gouda to know you.

  1. I would actually read horoscopes if they were like this one. I am particularly fond of the meerkat/scorpion picture. It really speaks to some primal part of my soul.

  2. I’m a Virgo! I need my terrorscope!

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