G. B. Risch's

Archive for the ‘World’ Category

I Thought They Were Dead But I Guess Not: What The Planeteers Are Doing Now

In World on April 22, 2010 at 4:46 pm

Today is Earth Day, dear reader, the day we mourn that fallen hero who fought against littering and smog to save the Earth from…well, from us, actually: Captain Planet. Captain Planet and his Planeteers became popular in the early nineties in their fight against pollution in all its forms. However, after allegations that the good captain caused more air pollution than he prevented with his four-can-a-day hairspray addiction (“You don’t get a mullet like this with nuthin’, lemme tell you what,” he was quoted as saying in a 1999 interview with Esquire), Captain Planet became depressed and gained over fifty pounds. In 2004, he died by being run over by a blimp.

Newsicles tracked down his team of do-gooders, the Planeteers, to see how they are getting along without the beloved hero/terrorist (depending on who you ask; Hoggish Greedly is a friend). Here is what we found:

Wheeler (Fire): In a battle against the evils of cigarette smokers, this hot-headed Planeteer finally met his match: a fire extinguisher. It was empty, but the assailant hit him over the head with it. He remains in a coma today.

Linka (Wind): Linka is currently in a Turkish prison after causing countless hurricanes, monsoons, tornadoes, and bad hair days all around the world. Oh, also, she slept with the entire staff of Newsicles. Score!

Gi (Water): Gi recently drowned when training a tiger at the zoo. The aquatic creature pulled her under the water in an attempt to play. Since tigers have gills, it survived. Gi did not.

Ma-Ti (Heart): Ma-Ti was caught in a drug sting and shot in the shoulder. His love for everyone was not enough to save him from the 30-to-life sentence he received.

Kwame (Earth): Kwame became a farmer. It’s not as exciting or taboo as the rest of the guys, but we heard he had a good crop this year. Turnips. He grows turnips. He was telling us that turnip prices are up. He tried to sell us on a pyramid scheme involving turnips. By the way, did you know that turnips are as delicious in juice form as they are on, say, your cereal? If we could have just a moment of your time….

Captain Planet and the Planeteers (1993) as they appeared right before they tripped and fell down due to their untied shoelaces. Now there's a worthy cause to fight for!


FEAST Demands: See Past the Stuffing

In World on November 24, 2009 at 10:09 am

As Thanksgiving trots closer, turkeys are once again protesting in full flock. Unlike previous years, however, they will not be gathering outside grocery stores or Macy’s department stores. “There’s only one travesty worthy of our attention this year. Only one establishment has continuously degraded and misrepresented turkeys everywhere: the elementary school,” says Gus Gizord, spokesperson for the Federation of European, American and Scandinavian Turkeys (FEAST).  FEAST officials recently gave the order to march in front of all elementary schools. They released the following statement to the press:

No longer will we waddle aside and allow this injustice to continue. Place any of us beside a human hand, and you will see no similarities. When examining our heads, do you really see thumbs? Perhaps all human heads look like bowling balls. Furthermore, never once has any turkey uttered the despicable phrase “Gobble Gobble.” Were humans not born with ears? These acts of Crayola-inspired prejudice will no longer be tolerated.

Turkeys began gathering outside several schools on Monday. Parents are outraged over chants of “One. Two. Three. Four. Clear off the fridge door! Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Your kids are spreading acts of hate.” Despite complaints, protests have remained peaceful, and feather ruffling has been kept to a minimum.

Local turkeys carry antihuman signs in protest last night.