G. B. Risch's

Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

Newsicles Returns after Short Respite

In Sports on January 28, 2010 at 6:29 pm

After drinking contaminated water from the office cooler, the entire staff of Newsicles, including twenty-five fry cooks (who also handled the writing duties), thirteen editors, thirty snake handlers, ninety-five doormen (one for each door in the building; the doorman on the second-floor men’s bathroom stall being the highest paid), and a chimpanzee salesman, fell ill last December.

It was revealed that the drinking water was tainted with over a gallon of ultraindustrial newspaper ink, which Headmaster G. B. Risch would secretly pour in daily during company nap time (1:30 to 1:55 p.m.).

“It gets writing in your blood, it does,” said the elderly statesman. “I’ve been doing it for years.”

After the whole building complained about stomach cramps, the company witch doctor, Chester Harragold, 103, was called in to help. What did the good doctor prescribe for the poisoned employees? “The only way to beat a poison,” said Harragold, “is to slowly poison the poison with more poison. I ordered a quart of newspaper ink each, to be administered through a suppository.”

Shortly thereafter, they all died.

Despite the slight setback and the lack of updates, every single member has now been replaced with a slightly more competent but less costly shoe-shiner from Guatemala. Newsicles thanks you for your patience and hopes you come back for more news-breaking stories throughout 2010 and beyond.

Dr. Chester Harragold, reading a 1915 issue of Vanity Fair

Standstills Stunned

In Sports on November 23, 2009 at 5:33 pm

Backed by a controversial non-call, the Irvine Immobilizers pushed past the Cincinnati Standstills in Freeze Tag League (FTL) action last night. Irvine came from behind to achieve Permafrost 26 seconds before the final whistle. With only 1:12 on the clock, Cincinnati’s star glaciator, Ryan “The Icicle Man” Isles, appeared to have Irvine’s one remaining thawer, Henry “Heatwave” Humphrey, cornered. Making a seemingly impossible double-reversing spin move, Humphrey avoided Isles. He then dove under an Irvine glaciator who, once thawed, quickly tagged Isles to end the game. The Standstill sideline argued that a flagrant fluidity flag should have been thrown. “He [the Irvine glaciator] clearly picked up his foot to allow the thawer through,” a frustrated Isles commented after the game.

Despite protests, the Immobilizers moves on to next week’s FTL championship game where they will take on an arctically efficient Fresno Frostbite team.