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Archive for the ‘Science & Technology’ Category

Hit the Showers…with Strangers

In Science & Technology on July 16, 2014 at 2:39 pm

Untitled drawingFollowing in the footsteps of popular rideshare services like Uber and Lyft, Three Men in a Tub, Inc. is introducing a new shower/bath-sharing service called RubADub. With the app, the company hopes to reduce water usage and energy consumption while increasing the amount of clean backs and bathroom backup vocalists.

“I take a bath every night,” says avid RubADub user Jasmine Limpio, “and I always find myself looking around and thinking, ‘Man. There’s so much room in here!’ RubADub makes me feel like I’m really doing my part to save the Earth, ya know? Plus, with my small arms, I have a lot of hard to reach places.”

Here’s how it works:

  1. Open the app.
  2. Immediately see people in your area who are planning to bathe soon.
  3. Tap on their icon to alert them you’re on the way.
  4. Grab a towel and head out!

RubADub costs $3.99 and is compatible with Android and Apple devices.

Note: Just before this went to press, Newsicles discovered a top secret project in the works at Three Men in a Tub. While we haven’t uncovered any specific details, we do know the service will be called WeeWillyWinky and is slated for release in Spring 2015.

CellU Corners Market

In Science & Technology on February 18, 2011 at 6:55 pm

With dozens of new smartphones due out in 2011, a radical new company, CellU, has rocked the tech world by announcing its latest venture: a line of dumbphones.

“Why should we always feel outwitted by technology,” says CellU CEO Bert Bytely. “With our new group of mobile devices, you are guaranteed to always feel superior.”

Some of the devices’ features include the following:

  • automiscorrections
  • submissive applications
  • reply all auto lock
  • floppy disk back ups
  • free mornings and wednesdays

Although CellU has not yet released the pricing for these devices, they did report it would be competitive with other dumb technologies, including 3D rotary phones, Better Homes & Gardens-only eReader, and HushedTones external speakers.

I’ll Ask You Tomorrow Today: An Interview with the Man from 2011

In Science & Technology on June 14, 2010 at 12:19 pm

What surprises hide wrapped in the secrecy of the future? What fate lies shrouded within that muddled and fuzzy time-yet-to-be? What secrets does the shadowy unknown that is the aftertoday hide? Many a parent has pondered this seven months after he or she bought a baby alligator for their child as a pet. Ponder no longer, dear reader. All secrets will be revealed in Newsicles‘s exclusive interview with….the Man from 2011!

On a stale and sweaty Wednesday morning, I was scheduled to meet Han Deguerpo, an eleven-year-old Indian maize vendor and shoe repair boy at the street corner where his shop is set up in Springboro, OH. I was writing an article on the various benefits of maize (as a fungal treatment, a glue, an explosive, and, as I found out, as a semi-edible meal). As I approached the vendor, he looked at me with blood-red eyes encrusted with eye-boogies and a visage of pure death. He shook my hand and introduced himself as Han Deguerpo. But then things got weird.

Newsicles: Thank you for seeing me, Han. How’s work?
Man from 2011: I actually never came in to work. In an odd twist of superreality, I was able to snatch a future version of me, me from the year 2011, by reflecting an electrified mirror on a normal mirror. I forced me to work in my place today in return for thirteen cheese balls.
Newsicles: [Blank stare.]
Man from 2011: Which is why I’m here, working. So, I guess to answer your question, work is fine.
Newsicles: Wait, cheese balls?
Man from 2011: They no longer exist a year from now and they’re traded as currency. As they say in the future, “He who holds the (cheese) balls in his hands holds the world!”
Newsicles: Back up. I’m here to speak to Han Deguerpo. Han from today. About maize.
Man from 2011: OK, I’ll let me know when I come back. I’m at the supermarket buying my cheese balls.
Newsicles: What’s life like in 2011, future Han?
Man from 2011: There are no chesse balls. You know about that already, right?
Newsicles: Right. I’ve heard as much.
Man from 2011: Other than meow that, pretty meow much the same. Oh, meow, also, the United States meow elected meow a mutant cat as president. Presidente Kotcher Tong. Meow. So we have to “meow” in every meow sentence.
Newsicles: So Prince was predicting the future in his song “Pussy Control.” And people thought he was crazy.
Man from 2011: Prince who? He might have been one of the Great Ten. There were rumors that there were ten wise sages who predicted the coming of the cat. Those ten were eliminated and erased from the population’s memory. After Googling it, I think the other one was the creator of the Truly Nolen Pest Control company…he drove around in a rat car or something.
Newsicles: The other being the creator of the Broadway hit Cats, probably.
Man from 2011: Yes, that may be one as well.
[Then the young Han was walking back to his stand]
Man from 2011: Damn. I have to go. You didn’t speak to me. Revealing any information about the future can be catastrophic to your very existence!
Newsicles: [Blank stare.]
[Man from 2011 grabs all the money from the register and a few maize packages, then runs off.]
Newsicles: Wow. What weird and wonderful future meow we can look forward to.

Han Deguerpo from 2011, age 12.

Got Earth?

In Science & Technology on April 1, 2010 at 5:59 pm

Earth is more than a tiny, infinitesimal dot in an endless void of unanswered questions—it’s actually the punctuation to that very same question (mark)!

It has been discovered that Earth is the “period” at the end of an enormous question mark spanning the length of the galaxy.

Also, the question mark is a giant serpent that will eventually eat the Earth, straighten out, and finally form an exclamation point. Or at the very least a lowercase l or a deformed, retarded u.

Scientist (only one) discovered the giant snake–question mark using the Samuel Oschin Telescope at the Toys R Us in Hatchechubbee, AL. The discovery was announced today by planetary scientist and volunteer crash test dummy Dr. Keeley Bortham (4’11”, Virgo) of the Hatchechubbee Institute of Technology (also located in the Toys R Us).

This news comes hot on the heels of the recent discovery that Pluto is no longer considered a dog and that men actually come from Venus and women from Mars, hence all those attacks on Earth by Martians (probably because we left the toilet seat up).

The Less You Say…The More You Socialize

In Science & Technology on January 10, 2010 at 8:14 pm

Socially AhhKwerd, a Colorado-based digital media company, introduced their long-awaited social networking tool today. Speck is already being named the “Twitter Terminator.” Similar to twitter, Speck has a limit to how much a user can post, but the limit is significantly less. One. Word. “Nobody these days has time to come up with 140 characters [Twitter’s limit],” says Socially AhhKwerd’s founder Scott Nano. “We’ve developed a way for people to keep in contact without all the hassle. One word can say it all.”

In an attempt to see how Speck really works, Nano agreed to share a portion of his posts. Below is an excerpt from his Speck Screen (the area where one can read a user’s posts ):

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [8:03 pm]: Linguine.

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [8:16 pm]: Shower.

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [8:19 pm]: Deodorant.

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [9:22 pm]: Really?

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [9:56 pm]: Unbelievable.

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [10:43 pm]: Stranger.

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [11:06 pm]: Dancing.

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [11:40 pm]: Agreed.

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [12:05 am]: Turquoise.

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [12:12 am]: Definitely.

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [1:28 am]: Egyptian.

In its opening day, Speck has already captured over a million users, and plenty more are expected to join. “We are a society that’s too busy to waste time with unnecessary words, so we’ve created the perfect way to socialize quickly,” Nano exclaimed. Yes. Indeed.

Study Results: The Rhythm Could Actually Get Ya

In Science & Technology on November 20, 2009 at 11:16 am

According to recent findings, almost 983 Americans now suffer from LDD (Lyrical Dissociative Disorder). Although the disease is extremely contagious, only a small percentage of people suffer from permanent lyrical episodes. Common symptoms include: fever (all through the night), chills (often multiplyin’), and weight loss (due to imagining there’s no hunger). Often, full-blown cases can present more obscure reactions such as nocturnal sunglass-wearing and kung fu fighting (with kicks equal to the speed of lightning).

Newsicles reporter, Bill Hafnote, interviewed a patient at the Melodic Mercy Center, the country’s primary LDD treatment facility. (Since the patient wishes to remain anonymous, we will refer to him only as LP.)

BH: Many doubters feel individuals are making up this…

LP: Don’t speak. I know just what you’re sayin’, so please stop explainin’.

BH: Ok. But what do you say to the people who fail to understand the severity of your disease?

LP: Come on! Get down with the sickness.

BH: Do you feel your battle with LDD has held you back at all?

LP: Bill, I believe this is killing me (as the smile ran away from his face). Well, I’m sure that I could be a movie star, if I could get outta this place.

BH: Don’t stop believin’.

LP: We gotta hold on to what we got. It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not.

BH: Word to your mother.

*For more information and to join the fight against LDD, please contact the Melodic Mercy Center at 867-5309.

World’s Most Ferocious Animal Named

In Science & Technology on November 14, 2009 at 1:51 am

A team of zoology social pscyhoanalysts have revealed the scariest animal on the planet: confusus lesbianus or what is more commonly referred to as the girl-liking straight girl (GSG). When asked why, out of all the planet kingdom’s beasts, the GSG was found to be the most petrifying, researchers gave the following statement:

Although they mate with the opposite sex, what makes the GSG so unique is her ability to attract and quickly destroy the same sex. While many of our studies are inconclusive, we have discovered the GSG’s flirtatious behavior to be extremely dangerous.

The boy-liking gay girl (erectus deflatus) and the snail rounded out the list.