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Archive for the ‘Lifestyle’ Category

Ten Second Review: 2011 Edition

In Lifestyle on February 19, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Here at Newsicles, we want our readers to be prepared for the future. After scouring over hundreds of pages of analysis, predictions, and general foretellingment, we can offer you a concise and completely accurate preview of events in 2011. You can thank us later.

Movies

Person One: Do you want to see…

Person Two: They already made that movie twice before.

Person One: Well maybe we could see…

Person Two: The book and TV show were better.

Person One: Are you sure it stars…

Person Two: Yes.

Person One: Gross.

Weather

Spring: Mildish.

Summer: Hotish.

Fall: Coolish.

Winter: Coldish.

Sports

Regular Season Games: The team with the most points wins!
Championship Game: The team with the most points wins!

Technology

Person One: A new version? I just bought mine three minutes ago.

Politics

100% of Americans: We want this!

Politician: Well we definitely hear you gentlepeople, but we must take into account what all of America wants.

Music

Thousands of souls perish from Bieber Fever outbreak.

She Literally Talked My Face Off: And Other Phrases That Make Us Hate You

In Lifestyle on April 20, 2010 at 12:29 pm

5. Using mute instead of moot

4. Misuse of quid pro quo

3. Saying excetera

2. Irregardless

1. Misuse of literally

EXAMPLE:

Chester: I just dared Ricky to swallow a burning-hot coal. I think he burned his whole tongue off! Haha…now he’ll be moot and never speak again!

Bill: Ricky’s dead, Chester. The burns killed him.

Chester: Hmm, well…I guess my point is mute, then, Bill. Thank you for that. Irregardless, it was a great prank, right?

Bill: They said he was in excruciating pain. He begged for death to come, Chester.

Chester: What’s the matter with you!? GOD! I am so mad that I can literally blow up and reconstruct myself out of pure spite just so I can blow up again, how mad I am, Bill.

Bill: Whoah, easy there. I was just saying…

Chester: Look, Billiam, this is the quid pr0 quo of the situation. I’m mad, OK? I can get madder, excetera, but, c’mon, do you have to be such a downer all the time?

Bill: You do realize that my name isn’t even Bill, right? It’s Carol.

Chester: Jesus, I hate you so much. Get away from me!

Carol: OK, OK.

He Who Smelt It: A Stinky Review of Alice in Wonderland

In Lifestyle on March 11, 2010 at 12:52 pm

By: Janus Festerlik and Quint Uritzal

Quick Synopsis

This new adaptation of Alice in Wonderland stars Johnny Depp and Morgan Freeman. Here’s a breakdown of the plot:

  • Girl falls down hole
  • Mushrooms, Tea, and Hookahs
  • Is that a talking oyster?!?!
  • (Missing information here. Reviewers asleep.)
  • Alice out of hole

Thoughts

JF: This movie is a loose interpretation of that song by Oasis, if I’m not mistaken.

QU: (singing) And afterrrr alllll….

JF: (singing) You’re my Wondderrlanndddd.

QU: This movie was originally advertised as PG-13, but I guess they decided to change it to G.

JF: Since when is Tim Burton working with Disney? Everyone’s going family-friendly.

QU: The performances were so two-dimensional.

JF: I won’t argue with you there. It was the most 2D 3D movie I’ve seen.

QU: The only thing that stood out for me was Morgan Freeman’s performance as the Queen of Hearts.

Morgan Freeman playing the Queen of Hearts in the live-action, Tim Burton-directed Alice in Wonderland. Unknown actor playing flamingo stick.

JF: Best actor of our time. Hands down.

QU: And how!

JF: That being said, we recommend that everyone sees this movie. Let us know how it is!!

Ranking

17 1/2 Butt cheeks out of 1 3/4

Sound the Alarm!

In Lifestyle on February 11, 2010 at 5:23 pm

We’ve all been there. It’s a few days past the couple days after you definitely had to do laundry, and you’re left frantically searching all your luggage and drawers for a clean pair of underwear. Well this happy Newsicles writer is here to tell you: Those days are over! Thanks to a recently discovered product, I can delay doing my laundry for at least five more days, if not more! They are called the Five-Alarm Underwear, and they definitely garner five stars in my book.

I was introduced to this life-changing product after a discussion with Five-Alarm Underwear’s CEO Garmin T. Butticus. Below is a small portion of our conversation:

Me: Laundry keeps piling up, and I’m simply overwhelmed.
Garmin: Do you want to delay doing laundry?
Me: Yes!
Garmin: Do you hate wearing the SAME underwear day in, day out?
Me: Yes!
Garmin: Well, Let me tell you about an amazing new product, friend…
Me: Yes please!
Garmin: The five-alarm underwear!! You can use it for five days straight and it will guarantee to be fresh every day!
Me: But how?!?!
Garmin: After the first full day of wear and tear, if you get my drift, you flip it upside down. With the patented four leg holes, you can flip, turn, flip again, and you always have a different side to dirty! And that’s not all!!
Me: Wait. There’s more!?!?!
Garmin: Yes indeed. There’s more! After you’ve gone through all the motions, flip it inside out!
Me: WHHHATT….brilliant. But something like that is probably hundreds of dollars!! Right??
Garmin: Not so, madam. Not so. With only fifteen payments of a LOW $28.95, you can get your pair and be the envy of all the people in your neighborhood!
Me: Where do I sign?

So, Newsicles’ faithful, I can safely say…if you buy a pair of Five-Alarm Underwear, your life will never be the same. Wear them under! Wear them over! Wear them all around! Surprise that special someone by ringing an alarm that is sure to awaken their wild side!

Five-Alarm Underwear used to its full potential.

I Love You. Right?

In Lifestyle on February 1, 2010 at 9:00 pm

With February 14 less than two weeks away, everyone is in a crazed rush to find that special Valentine. This year, however, you may find yourself in the arms of someone completely unexpected. Overworked and severely stressed, Cupid and his dwindling staff were forced to work 107 hours last week, causing Cupid to have a small mental breakdown. “We had been working for 37 hours straight when he just sort of snapped,” said Rose Corazon, a Cupid Inc. messenger. “He grabbed his quiver and took off, yelling, ‘They want love! I’ll give them love!'”

While nothing can be tied to the amorous archer yet, several heartfelt disturbances have already been reported across the country. According to an anonymous intern, a Republican congressman crossed the aisle, singing Boyz II Men’s “I’ll Make Love to You” to an opposing Democratic senator. “I can’t say much,” said the intern. “Lets just say that red and blue usually stay very separated, but today there was a whole lot of purple…if you know what I’m saying.” With similar reports elsewhere, this Valentine’s Day could leave many people rolling over in bed saying, “Good morning. Wait…what?!?”