G. B. Risch's

Archive for the ‘Crime’ Category

Admirable Snowman?

In Crime on December 20, 2009 at 5:12 pm

For years, stories of the Abominable Snowman have initiated responses of terror and dread in children everywhere, and gruesome tales of yellow snow and rock-filled snowballs have secured the word abominable in the creature’s name.

However,  the images may all be entirely false, according to none other than the Abominable Snowman himself. An avid Newsicles follower, Abe, as he likes to be called, decided to come forward in attempt to clear his image. Abe sent the following statement:

After years of solitude, I can no longer sit aside while the true abominations go unscrutinized. Every act that has ever been blamed on me is the doing of one villainous trio. I know I’m putting my life on the line by revealing them to the world, but I’m tired of people being scared of me. All the acts of terror are due to…the Abdominal Snowmen. The four of us were friends throughout elementary school, and I always stood up for them when other kids made fun of their one-balled stature. The Frostys were the worst. They thought their expensive corn cob pipes and designer top hats made them better than everyone else. Anyway, I guess it was too much for the Abdominal Snowmen to take. They rolled out of school one day and never rolled back. When I ran into them several years later, all the scrutiny had taken its toll, and I could see the evil burning in their coal eyes. At first things started small. They would bury logs on sledding hills or remove bulbs from Christmas lights. But, things continued to escalate, and soon the police were chasing after them. Instead of taking the fall, they pointed the finger at me. Sadly, the authorities lost a few things in translation, and the next day ‘s newspapers read: Abominable Snowman Captured! People saw the headline and my picture, and the rest of the story you all know. So beware! The true criminals are still out there.

Abe provided the following sketch of the Abdominal Snowmen (note: suspects physique changes drastically based on temperature).

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Local Lunatic Lowercased

In Crime on December 1, 2009 at 9:41 pm

After hundreds of noise complaints, inappropriate outbursts, and one clangorous killing, local police have finally apprehended the ALL CAPS KILLER. Police lured him to the library with the promise of a CAPS LOCK-IN, including ghost stories and a cheese plate. When the crowd gathered, ALL CAPS immediately stood out in the hushed surroundings.

An onlooker recorded the following conversation on her cell phone:

ACK: YOU HAVE NO PROOF. ANYONE HERE COULD BE THE ALL CAPS       KILLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Police: Ok. Just calm down.

ACK: WHAT?!?! I’M PERFECTLY CALM. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU MEAN.

Police: Don’t make this hard on yourself, if you just…

ACK: YOU HAVE NO PROOF.

Police: You are the only one here speaking in…

ACK: I’M INNOCENT.

Police: Stop interrup…

ACK: YOU HAVE NOTHING. NOTHING I TELL YOU.

Police: Put down the gun and stop yelling or else.

ACK: YELLING!!! WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS THINK I’M YELLING.

Moments later, amidst several shhs, police tackled the suspect and dragged him from the building. He is currently being held in the county jail with no possibility of keyboard access.

Precious Joke Stolen

In Crime on November 18, 2009 at 1:53 pm

A Walla Walla, WA, clown is now humorless after his joke was violently (probably) stolen last Thursday.

Harry Poopicott (45) had one side-splitting, milk-shooting-through-your-nose  gag he would tell every day at his job as a street-performing clown until its theft. “I was riding my unicyle down the street, trying to avoid a banana peel on the road, when I heard some other knuckle head telling the same joke,” he says. “And then I heard the same joke a few days later from an ice cream vendor where I buy all my cream pies. Turns out the whole neighborhood uses that joke. Also, they were out of coconut cream.”

Police have no leads as to who stole the gag. “At this point, it could be anyone,” Chief Inspector Cockatoo says.

Although Poopicott is devastated, he surprisingly has a huge grin across his face the whole interview. “This is all a façade. I’m destroyed,” he mentions. Then he lights a cigar that blows up in his face and makes squeaky noises with his huge feet as we walks away. “I’m completely torn up inside.”

As for the joke? Poopicott starts it off, “Why did the chicken cross the road?”