G. B. Risch's


Newsicles was concocted in 1926 by a young Gil Babotte Risch when, after stealing an apple from a fruit stand, a local constable clubbed him over the head with a rolled up issue of the New York Times. Thus was borne Risch’s idea of a “delicous morsel of information that leaves you with indigestion of knowledge,” or Newsicles.

In its early years, the nonnewspaper was published on bathroom stalls with chalk, earning it the moniker of the “Pasty, Smelly Hag” by drunken barflies. Gaining popularity with everyone but the janitors who had to wash the stalls every night, Risch hired a team of orphans to cover the high demand for the fast-breaking, no-nonsense news outlet. Hence, Newsicles entered its most successful years, the “Newsboys Extraordinaire” era, which saw soaring readership and a new venue for print: on the back of Frosted Flakes Cereal!

It wasn’t until a decade later that Newsicles won its first Pulitzer. After terminating his entire staff, Risch purchased a thousand monkeys and trained them to type on a thousand typewriters, which eventually produced a great masterpiece (and a few million horrible ones). The whole production was shut down, however, due to copyright infringement; they had actually reproduced Shakespeare’s complete works instead of original copy, and so, Risch lost his Pulitzer and eventually set the simians free (a controversial decision—he let them loose in New York City).

With the discovery of the Internet—and immediately after Risch learned that the cheap newspaper ink he was using was actually camel urine mixed with eel blood—Newsicles was reborn, cracking the cocoon of paper and print and spreading its digital wings to flutter to new heights. Due to his ailing health, however, Risch has become somewhat of a recluse in recent years. He oversees the production of Newsicles while the bulk of the writing is now automated through a computer program called “HAL” and a piano mover, Chuck Hopapop.

"Fetch me my thinking top hat and my writing rifle," Risch would often yell to Newsie, the paper's dog. "I've got me a story to write!"


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