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Archive for November, 2014|Monthly archive page

Newsicles 101: How To Survive Thanksgiving

In Domestic on November 11, 2014 at 6:47 pm

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Alas, it is almost time to begrudgingly travel to wherever to eat, drink, and bicker too much. However, not to despair dear readers. Here are a few tricks and tips to help you prevent turkey day ennui:

  • While watching the Macy’s Parade, allow your immaturity flag to fly and stay alert for any That’s What She Said joke. It is not unusual to hear things such as, “Wow, Mike, here comes the biggest one we’ve seen so far. Those 10 women can barely get a grip on it. Back to you Terry.”
  • Never attend a Thanksgiving with anyone under 18.
  • If your family includes small children, see above.
  • Tear off and eat as many pieces of the turkey skin as you damn well please. Get to it before anyone else has the chance. Cover the evidence by pinning on leaves. Say you saw it on Pinterest. Or keep a brown marker handy.
  • If asked, “White or red?”, respond “Yes.”
  • If you think it “sorta seems” like green bean casserole, pass.
  • If family members ask inappropriate personal questions, proudly state, “Listen, I am what I yam.” Make sure you are seated next to whoever laughs.
  • If there is a lull in conversation during dinner, start a food fight.
  • This isn’t a magical day of the year where your food intake levels magically triple. Eat the amount you normally would. Seriously, don’t just think that and do the opposite. Trust us. Better to laugh in the face of everyone else’s pain.
  • Convince everyone the phrase Black Friday is racist. Tell them you heard it on NPR.
  • If you take a bite of something revolting, immediately throw your hands up to your neck in the international symbol of “I am choking right now.” Then, as someone rushes to do the Heimlich maneuver, you can spit out the food without anyone judging, and everyone will completely understand if you can’t eat the rest. BONUS: You’ll quickly discover which family member cares about you the most.