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Archive for June, 2012|Monthly archive page

Witchen throughout History: Newsicles Celebrates 29 Years o’ Kelly

In Whatever on June 14, 2012 at 12:25 pm

After a two-year sabbatical due to an outbreak of a mutated strain of the PBN-J2 monstro-virus (which may or may not have been caused by the lack of plumbing in the news organization’s offices), the sole remaining survivor of the Newsicles staff is back—and just in time to celebrate the birthday of our esteemed informant and all-around favorite person (sorry, Jesus, but it’s true), Kelly Witchen! Come with us as we celebrate our favorite Kelly moments in history!

–Considered by many to be the very first humoratician, Witchen’s sense of comedy and lovable personality could make anyone smile. Here is Sir Albert Einstein after Kelly cracked one of her gags. Historians report he laughed for ten hours straight:

Sadly, soon after Kelly’s joke, the famous mathematician suffered from a severe gut hemorrhage from laughing so hard. He died shortly thereafter.

-Don’t let Kelly’s humor fool you, though, as she is just as adept with a pen as with a smile: her poetry is beloved my millions and her talent sought after by the most famous of poets. Here is an elated Edgar Allen Poe after she gave him some advice on one of his works. Maybe you’ve heard of it before?

Stop smiling so hard, Ed! Originally, the poem was going to be called “The Turkey” until Kelly stepped in, opting for that other bird.

-Witchen is not only a master of the written word; she’s also in the purest physical form, as we see here in this early picture of Kelly’s football career.

Eventually, the team changed its name to the Witchen Windmills, as windmills are one of Kelly’s favorite animals.

-Kelly later joined MI5 as the secret agent 0022, code name: Jane Bond. Considered a master of disguise, here is a photo of Ms. Bond in disguise as she protects President Theodore Roosevelt in one of his many safari expeditions. Can you guess which person is Kelly?

Great disguise, Kelly! We can hardly recognize you in that beard!

So many great moments, Kelly, and so many more to come! We love you and wish you the best on your special day. Happy birthday!