G. B. Risch's

Archive for February, 2011|Monthly archive page

Ten Second Review: 2011 Edition

In Lifestyle on February 19, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Here at Newsicles, we want our readers to be prepared for the future. After scouring over hundreds of pages of analysis, predictions, and general foretellingment, we can offer you a concise and completely accurate preview of events in 2011. You can thank us later.

Movies

Person One: Do you want to see…

Person Two: They already made that movie twice before.

Person One: Well maybe we could see…

Person Two: The book and TV show were better.

Person One: Are you sure it stars…

Person Two: Yes.

Person One: Gross.

Weather

Spring: Mildish.

Summer: Hotish.

Fall: Coolish.

Winter: Coldish.

Sports

Regular Season Games: The team with the most points wins!
Championship Game: The team with the most points wins!

Technology

Person One: A new version? I just bought mine three minutes ago.

Politics

100% of Americans: We want this!

Politician: Well we definitely hear you gentlepeople, but we must take into account what all of America wants.

Music

Thousands of souls perish from Bieber Fever outbreak.

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CellU Corners Market

In Science & Technology on February 18, 2011 at 6:55 pm

With dozens of new smartphones due out in 2011, a radical new company, CellU, has rocked the tech world by announcing its latest venture: a line of dumbphones.

“Why should we always feel outwitted by technology,” says CellU CEO Bert Bytely. “With our new group of mobile devices, you are guaranteed to always feel superior.”

Some of the devices’ features include the following:

  • automiscorrections
  • submissive applications
  • reply all auto lock
  • floppy disk back ups
  • free mornings and wednesdays

Although CellU has not yet released the pricing for these devices, they did report it would be competitive with other dumb technologies, including 3D rotary phones, Better Homes & Gardens-only eReader, and HushedTones external speakers.