G. B. Risch's

Archive for June, 2010|Monthly archive page

I’ll Ask You Tomorrow Today: An Interview with the Man from 2011

In Science & Technology on June 14, 2010 at 12:19 pm

What surprises hide wrapped in the secrecy of the future? What fate lies shrouded within that muddled and fuzzy time-yet-to-be? What secrets does the shadowy unknown that is the aftertoday hide? Many a parent has pondered this seven months after he or she bought a baby alligator for their child as a pet. Ponder no longer, dear reader. All secrets will be revealed in Newsicles‘s exclusive interview with….the Man from 2011!

On a stale and sweaty Wednesday morning, I was scheduled to meet Han Deguerpo, an eleven-year-old Indian maize vendor and shoe repair boy at the street corner where his shop is set up in Springboro, OH. I was writing an article on the various benefits of maize (as a fungal treatment, a glue, an explosive, and, as I found out, as a semi-edible meal). As I approached the vendor, he looked at me with blood-red eyes encrusted with eye-boogies and a visage of pure death. He shook my hand and introduced himself as Han Deguerpo. But then things got weird.

Newsicles: Thank you for seeing me, Han. How’s work?
Man from 2011: I actually never came in to work. In an odd twist of superreality, I was able to snatch a future version of me, me from the year 2011, by reflecting an electrified mirror on a normal mirror. I forced me to work in my place today in return for thirteen cheese balls.
Newsicles: [Blank stare.]
Man from 2011: Which is why I’m here, working. So, I guess to answer your question, work is fine.
Newsicles: Wait, cheese balls?
Man from 2011: They no longer exist a year from now and they’re traded as currency. As they say in the future, “He who holds the (cheese) balls in his hands holds the world!”
Newsicles: Back up. I’m here to speak to Han Deguerpo. Han from today. About maize.
Man from 2011: OK, I’ll let me know when I come back. I’m at the supermarket buying my cheese balls.
Newsicles: What’s life like in 2011, future Han?
Man from 2011: There are no chesse balls. You know about that already, right?
Newsicles: Right. I’ve heard as much.
Man from 2011: Other than meow that, pretty meow much the same. Oh, meow, also, the United States meow elected meow a mutant cat as president. Presidente Kotcher Tong. Meow. So we have to “meow” in every meow sentence.
Newsicles: So Prince was predicting the future in his song “Pussy Control.” And people thought he was crazy.
Man from 2011: Prince who? He might have been one of the Great Ten. There were rumors that there were ten wise sages who predicted the coming of the cat. Those ten were eliminated and erased from the population’s memory. After Googling it, I think the other one was the creator of the Truly Nolen Pest Control company…he drove around in a rat car or something.
Newsicles: The other being the creator of the Broadway hit Cats, probably.
Man from 2011: Yes, that may be one as well.
[Then the young Han was walking back to his stand]
Man from 2011: Damn. I have to go. You didn’t speak to me. Revealing any information about the future can be catastrophic to your very existence!
Newsicles: [Blank stare.]
[Man from 2011 grabs all the money from the register and a few maize packages, then runs off.]
Newsicles: Wow. What weird and wonderful future meow we can look forward to.

Han Deguerpo from 2011, age 12.


Roundtrip: LAX to IOU

In Travel on June 1, 2010 at 12:21 pm

In response to increasing costs and spiking oil prices, airlines will begin introducing new passenger fees early this month. An airline executive, who wishes to remain anonymous, had this to say, “We see these fees as necessary to keeping our planes in the sky. If you don’t like it, take the train…and multiply your travel time by six.”

While our Newsicles fact checker attempts this complicated algebraic expression, here is an overview of the upcoming fees:

Standard Discussion Fee
If you would like to have a conversation with the person sitting next to you, it will cost you $2.50 per question. This, of course, is after the inital startup fee of $1 for asking, “Where ya headed?”

Snooze and Lose Fee
Thinking of catching up on some sleep on a long flight? Passengers will now be charged $5.50 per hour of napping. In addition, a clean pillow will cost you $4. If the flight attendant assesses your tiredness level as being “above average,” then charges will increase to $6.

Oxygen Deployment and Usage Fee
In the event that the oxygen masks deploy, each passenger will be charged $21. If the passenger wishes to use the mask, they must deposit $32.37 (exact change only) before oxygen will begin flowing. If you attempt to deposit money for someone else before depositing money for your own mask, a $5 humanitarian tax may apply.

On top of the fees mentioned above, travelers will also have to insert a quarter each time they would like to do the following: turn on the overhead light, recline their seat, return their seat to the upright position, use the tray table, and look out the window.