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Archive for April, 2010|Monthly archive page

I Thought They Were Dead But I Guess Not: What The Planeteers Are Doing Now

In World on April 22, 2010 at 4:46 pm

Today is Earth Day, dear reader, the day we mourn that fallen hero who fought against littering and smog to save the Earth from…well, from us, actually: Captain Planet. Captain Planet and his Planeteers became popular in the early nineties in their fight against pollution in all its forms. However, after allegations that the good captain caused more air pollution than he prevented with his four-can-a-day hairspray addiction (“You don’t get a mullet like this with nuthin’, lemme tell you what,” he was quoted as saying in a 1999 interview with Esquire), Captain Planet became depressed and gained over fifty pounds. In 2004, he died by being run over by a blimp.

Newsicles tracked down his team of do-gooders, the Planeteers, to see how they are getting along without the beloved hero/terrorist (depending on who you ask; Hoggish Greedly is a friend). Here is what we found:

Wheeler (Fire): In a battle against the evils of cigarette smokers, this hot-headed Planeteer finally met his match: a fire extinguisher. It was empty, but the assailant hit him over the head with it. He remains in a coma today.

Linka (Wind): Linka is currently in a Turkish prison after causing countless hurricanes, monsoons, tornadoes, and bad hair days all around the world. Oh, also, she slept with the entire staff of Newsicles. Score!

Gi (Water): Gi recently drowned when training a tiger at the zoo. The aquatic creature pulled her under the water in an attempt to play. Since tigers have gills, it survived. Gi did not.

Ma-Ti (Heart): Ma-Ti was caught in a drug sting and shot in the shoulder. His love for everyone was not enough to save him from the 30-to-life sentence he received.

Kwame (Earth): Kwame became a farmer. It’s not as exciting or taboo as the rest of the guys, but we heard he had a good crop this year. Turnips. He grows turnips. He was telling us that turnip prices are up. He tried to sell us on a pyramid scheme involving turnips. By the way, did you know that turnips are as delicious in juice form as they are on, say, your cereal? If we could have just a moment of your time….

Captain Planet and the Planeteers (1993) as they appeared right before they tripped and fell down due to their untied shoelaces. Now there's a worthy cause to fight for!


She Literally Talked My Face Off: And Other Phrases That Make Us Hate You

In Lifestyle on April 20, 2010 at 12:29 pm

5. Using mute instead of moot

4. Misuse of quid pro quo

3. Saying excetera

2. Irregardless

1. Misuse of literally


Chester: I just dared Ricky to swallow a burning-hot coal. I think he burned his whole tongue off! Haha…now he’ll be moot and never speak again!

Bill: Ricky’s dead, Chester. The burns killed him.

Chester: Hmm, well…I guess my point is mute, then, Bill. Thank you for that. Irregardless, it was a great prank, right?

Bill: They said he was in excruciating pain. He begged for death to come, Chester.

Chester: What’s the matter with you!? GOD! I am so mad that I can literally blow up and reconstruct myself out of pure spite just so I can blow up again, how mad I am, Bill.

Bill: Whoah, easy there. I was just saying…

Chester: Look, Billiam, this is the quid pr0 quo of the situation. I’m mad, OK? I can get madder, excetera, but, c’mon, do you have to be such a downer all the time?

Bill: You do realize that my name isn’t even Bill, right? It’s Carol.

Chester: Jesus, I hate you so much. Get away from me!

Carol: OK, OK.

Silent But Deadly

In Politics on April 16, 2010 at 11:57 am

Protests continued today in Knoxville over Proposal 734. The proposal pits two contrasting organizations against each other: Sound It Out (SIO) and Muhm’s Thegh Whuord (MTW). Debates and rallies have erupted all over the city. SIO, an organization committed to the extermination of silent letters, pushed to get Proposal 734 on the ballot. The organization proposed changing “Knoxville” to “Naaxvil.” SIO leader, Jon Dinword, explained, “Silent letters do nothing but create spelling mistakes, jumbling up words and confusing our children.”

However, to pass Proposal 734, SIO supporters will have to overcome the opposition of MTW, an organization striving to add more silent letters to almost every word. MTW protesters carried signs saying “Anohther LLehteur Thegh Behttterr” and “Sighleince Iszz Goahldewenn: Thegh WE Iszz Sighleint.”

Proposal 734 will be decided within the next 24 hours.

Lent-er’s Remorse

In Religion on April 2, 2010 at 12:14 pm

With almost two days to spare, the Newsicles staff has finally decided what to give up for Lent. While many ideas were passed around (giving up fast food, alcohol, oxygen, etc.), it was decided that only two things would improve our well-being.

1. For the period of Lent, the Newsicles staff will no longer use the word “titmouse” in conversation or in articles. This one will be particularly hard, as titmouse can be used in practically any situation, especially intellectual and/or philosophical discussions. Here are some examples:

Staff Member A: The gravitational force of hurricanes is only counterbalanced by the voluminous tidal wave undertow.
Staff Member B: Agreed. Hurricane Gertrude was incredibly dubious. That titmouse really made my bed shake.

Staff Member A: If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around, those who hear have a heightened sense of understanding.
Staff Member B: If a titmouse ran the world, we’d be left thinking that bigger could possibly be better.

2. WehavealsoagreedtogiveupSPACES.Whilethis notonlygiveusmorespacetoprovideyouwith unrivaledreportingandwittyretort,italsosaves usmoney.SinceNewsiclesis$3.46awayfrom bankruptcy,we’llneedalltheextrafunds wecanget.

Got Earth?

In Science & Technology on April 1, 2010 at 5:59 pm

Earth is more than a tiny, infinitesimal dot in an endless void of unanswered questions—it’s actually the punctuation to that very same question (mark)!

It has been discovered that Earth is the “period” at the end of an enormous question mark spanning the length of the galaxy.

Also, the question mark is a giant serpent that will eventually eat the Earth, straighten out, and finally form an exclamation point. Or at the very least a lowercase l or a deformed, retarded u.

Scientist (only one) discovered the giant snake–question mark using the Samuel Oschin Telescope at the Toys R Us in Hatchechubbee, AL. The discovery was announced today by planetary scientist and volunteer crash test dummy Dr. Keeley Bortham (4’11”, Virgo) of the Hatchechubbee Institute of Technology (also located in the Toys R Us).

This news comes hot on the heels of the recent discovery that Pluto is no longer considered a dog and that men actually come from Venus and women from Mars, hence all those attacks on Earth by Martians (probably because we left the toilet seat up).