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Archive for February, 2010|Monthly archive page

Photo Proves Man-Tiger No Myth

In Supernatural on February 12, 2010 at 8:24 am

It’s been the subject of campfire stories and water-cooler gossip for decades. A camera-elusive, bipedal tiger creature with a Spider-Man fetish that has been spotted anywhere from Washtunca, Washington, all the way to Bearden, Oklahoma. Some call it Man-Tiger. Others know it as “Oh, God. My eyes are bleeding!”

Last Monday, the elusive creature was finally caught on camera by a Penns Grove, New Jersey, couple, Marrione and Davyla Itcherbreck, after the two were leaving an advance screening of the movie Spy Kids  3-D: Game Over (which they realized they were eight years too late for).

“About fifty minutes into the movie, we realized we were actually watching some other movie,” Marrione says. “It was certainly not Spy Kids.” After leaving the movie theater, which was playing Dear John, the latest Amanda Seyfried thriller, the couple were ambushed by the creature. They barely escaped with their lives.

What follows is the picture they were able to take of the monster. Be warned: this picture is not for the weak of heart. Lock up your valuables in the basement. Throw your children in the backyard as bait for the vile demon. This monstrosity is still loose and no one is safe.

The villanous thing known only as Man-Tiger

Sound the Alarm!

In Lifestyle on February 11, 2010 at 5:23 pm

We’ve all been there. It’s a few days past the couple days after you definitely had to do laundry, and you’re left frantically searching all your luggage and drawers for a clean pair of underwear. Well this happy Newsicles writer is here to tell you: Those days are over! Thanks to a recently discovered product, I can delay doing my laundry for at least five more days, if not more! They are called the Five-Alarm Underwear, and they definitely garner five stars in my book.

I was introduced to this life-changing product after a discussion with Five-Alarm Underwear’s CEO Garmin T. Butticus. Below is a small portion of our conversation:

Me: Laundry keeps piling up, and I’m simply overwhelmed.
Garmin: Do you want to delay doing laundry?
Me: Yes!
Garmin: Do you hate wearing the SAME underwear day in, day out?
Me: Yes!
Garmin: Well, Let me tell you about an amazing new product, friend…
Me: Yes please!
Garmin: The five-alarm underwear!! You can use it for five days straight and it will guarantee to be fresh every day!
Me: But how?!?!
Garmin: After the first full day of wear and tear, if you get my drift, you flip it upside down. With the patented four leg holes, you can flip, turn, flip again, and you always have a different side to dirty! And that’s not all!!
Me: Wait. There’s more!?!?!
Garmin: Yes indeed. There’s more! After you’ve gone through all the motions, flip it inside out!
Me: WHHHATT….brilliant. But something like that is probably hundreds of dollars!! Right??
Garmin: Not so, madam. Not so. With only fifteen payments of a LOW $28.95, you can get your pair and be the envy of all the people in your neighborhood!
Me: Where do I sign?

So, Newsicles’ faithful, I can safely say…if you buy a pair of Five-Alarm Underwear, your life will never be the same. Wear them under! Wear them over! Wear them all around! Surprise that special someone by ringing an alarm that is sure to awaken their wild side!

Five-Alarm Underwear used to its full potential.

I Love You. Right?

In Lifestyle on February 1, 2010 at 9:00 pm

With February 14 less than two weeks away, everyone is in a crazed rush to find that special Valentine. This year, however, you may find yourself in the arms of someone completely unexpected. Overworked and severely stressed, Cupid and his dwindling staff were forced to work 107 hours last week, causing Cupid to have a small mental breakdown. “We had been working for 37 hours straight when he just sort of snapped,” said Rose Corazon, a Cupid Inc. messenger. “He grabbed his quiver and took off, yelling, ‘They want love! I’ll give them love!'”

While nothing can be tied to the amorous archer yet, several heartfelt disturbances have already been reported across the country. According to an anonymous intern, a Republican congressman crossed the aisle, singing Boyz II Men’s “I’ll Make Love to You” to an opposing Democratic senator. “I can’t say much,” said the intern. “Lets just say that red and blue usually stay very separated, but today there was a whole lot of purple…if you know what I’m saying.” With similar reports elsewhere, this Valentine’s Day could leave many people rolling over in bed saying, “Good morning. Wait…what?!?”