G. B. Risch's

Archive for January, 2010|Monthly archive page

Newsicles Returns after Short Respite

In Sports on January 28, 2010 at 6:29 pm

After drinking contaminated water from the office cooler, the entire staff of Newsicles, including twenty-five fry cooks (who also handled the writing duties), thirteen editors, thirty snake handlers, ninety-five doormen (one for each door in the building; the doorman on the second-floor men’s bathroom stall being the highest paid), and a chimpanzee salesman, fell ill last December.

It was revealed that the drinking water was tainted with over a gallon of ultraindustrial newspaper ink, which Headmaster G. B. Risch would secretly pour in daily during company nap time (1:30 to 1:55 p.m.).

“It gets writing in your blood, it does,” said the elderly statesman. “I’ve been doing it for years.”

After the whole building complained about stomach cramps, the company witch doctor, Chester Harragold, 103, was called in to help. What did the good doctor prescribe for the poisoned employees? “The only way to beat a poison,” said Harragold, “is to slowly poison the poison with more poison. I ordered a quart of newspaper ink each, to be administered through a suppository.”

Shortly thereafter, they all died.

Despite the slight setback and the lack of updates, every single member has now been replaced with a slightly more competent but less costly shoe-shiner from Guatemala. Newsicles thanks you for your patience and hopes you come back for more news-breaking stories throughout 2010 and beyond.

Dr. Chester Harragold, reading a 1915 issue of Vanity Fair


The Less You Say…The More You Socialize

In Science & Technology on January 10, 2010 at 8:14 pm

Socially AhhKwerd, a Colorado-based digital media company, introduced their long-awaited social networking tool today. Speck is already being named the “Twitter Terminator.” Similar to twitter, Speck has a limit to how much a user can post, but the limit is significantly less. One. Word. “Nobody these days has time to come up with 140 characters [Twitter’s limit],” says Socially AhhKwerd’s founder Scott Nano. “We’ve developed a way for people to keep in contact without all the hassle. One word can say it all.”

In an attempt to see how Speck really works, Nano agreed to share a portion of his posts. Below is an excerpt from his Speck Screen (the area where one can read a user’s posts ):

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [8:03 pm]: Linguine.

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [8:16 pm]: Shower.

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [8:19 pm]: Deodorant.

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [9:22 pm]: Really?

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [9:56 pm]: Unbelievable.

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [10:43 pm]: Stranger.

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [11:06 pm]: Dancing.

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [11:40 pm]: Agreed.

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [12:05 am]: Turquoise.

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [12:12 am]: Definitely.

SociallyAhhKwerdKing [1:28 am]: Egyptian.

In its opening day, Speck has already captured over a million users, and plenty more are expected to join. “We are a society that’s too busy to waste time with unnecessary words, so we’ve created the perfect way to socialize quickly,” Nano exclaimed. Yes. Indeed.