G. B. Risch's

Archive for December, 2009|Monthly archive page

Admirable Snowman?

In Crime on December 20, 2009 at 5:12 pm

For years, stories of the Abominable Snowman have initiated responses of terror and dread in children everywhere, and gruesome tales of yellow snow and rock-filled snowballs have secured the word abominable in the creature’s name.

However,  the images may all be entirely false, according to none other than the Abominable Snowman himself. An avid Newsicles follower, Abe, as he likes to be called, decided to come forward in attempt to clear his image. Abe sent the following statement:

After years of solitude, I can no longer sit aside while the true abominations go unscrutinized. Every act that has ever been blamed on me is the doing of one villainous trio. I know I’m putting my life on the line by revealing them to the world, but I’m tired of people being scared of me. All the acts of terror are due to…the Abdominal Snowmen. The four of us were friends throughout elementary school, and I always stood up for them when other kids made fun of their one-balled stature. The Frostys were the worst. They thought their expensive corn cob pipes and designer top hats made them better than everyone else. Anyway, I guess it was too much for the Abdominal Snowmen to take. They rolled out of school one day and never rolled back. When I ran into them several years later, all the scrutiny had taken its toll, and I could see the evil burning in their coal eyes. At first things started small. They would bury logs on sledding hills or remove bulbs from Christmas lights. But, things continued to escalate, and soon the police were chasing after them. Instead of taking the fall, they pointed the finger at me. Sadly, the authorities lost a few things in translation, and the next day ‘s newspapers read: Abominable Snowman Captured! People saw the headline and my picture, and the rest of the story you all know. So beware! The true criminals are still out there.

Abe provided the following sketch of the Abdominal Snowmen (note: suspects physique changes drastically based on temperature).

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Advertisers Target Rubberneckers

In Whatever on December 15, 2009 at 6:44 pm

In a controversial marketing decision that has America hitting its brakes, screeching to a halt, and exclaiming, “What the…!?” with a look of stupid outrage on its face, companies are targeting drivers by advertising their products on car accidents. “Rubberneckers slow down to a stop to get a peek at every car accident on the highway,” says Henry Zanzerbean, marketing manager of Canadian Goose Processed Meats, one of the companies that started the new advertising campaign. “And when they slow down, they cause others to slow down, which cause others still. Soon, you have a traffic jam of millions of people, all who are annoyed because they had to pee three exits ago, all stuck in the same traffic, but all who are going to look over at the scooter fender bender on the side of the road. We figure that we get one hundred percent of the traffic jam audience!”

Rubberneckers, scientific term Keepmovingi Moronicus, should already be seeing these advertisements in a wide variety of traffic accidents, anywhere from a Truly Nolen mouse car overturned by a mob of angry cats to the spontaneous combustion of a Toyota Prius.

Advertisers are playing it smart, too, focusing on certain themes of accidents to help sell their products: head-on collisions are brought to you by Tisel’s Top Hats and Headwear, accidents involving Volkswagen Beetles are sponsored by Punch Buggy’s Tropical Fruit Punch, and cars pulled over for drunk driving are brought to you by Happy Harry’s Children Funnasium in the Palisades Mall.

Police officials are outraged at this new wave of advertising. “This won’t stand,” Police Commissioner Chelsea Higgins states. “This is a danger to everyone on the road and, starting immediately, we will ticket any driver who slows down to look at an accident.”

In an ironic twist of ridiculousness, to help fund the increased manpower in the police force to ticket rubberneckers nationwide, the city will now be charging any onlooker a toll to gather around crime scenes.

Brought to you by Northport, Maine Municipal Parking, now offering bayside parking slots!

Woman Attacked by Not-So-Jolly Jelly

In Local on December 7, 2009 at 7:29 pm

Silly Sally Sanderson, 66, was attacked yesterday by a smelly jelly nicknamed “Nelly,” as reported on the telly. The victim resides near the seashore where she sells seashells. Shortly after selling several seashells, Sally, shoeless, strode along the seashore. At nearly nineteen minutes to nine, Nelly nipped Sally. “I’ve been selling seashells by this seashore since the summer of seventy-seven,” shouted sassy Sally Sanderson. “Tangled tentacles twisted toward my toes. Surprised and stupefied, several stingers stung simultaneously. Scary. So seriously scary.”

No one has seen the scary sea savage since. This is the second major incident at the beach this week. A Mr. Piper had all of his hand-picked, pickled peppers purloined by a pretty pesky perp. Police have no leads.

Newsicles Copyeditor’s Canned!!!

In Crezy Noos on December 3, 2009 at 6:23 pm

Due to cutbacks in funding from its biggest sponsor, Ernie’s Edible Asbestos and Overseas Munitions, widely popular news blog and anesthesia substitute Newsicles laid off its entire staff of copyeditors, who are responsible for editing every story for grammar, content, and facts, last Thursday. Teh disgruntled ex-employees fond pink slips in their desks Wedenesday morning and then were led outside the building by Sal, the 94-year-old security officar, and his shotgun. “We are outreaged owtreges outraged and appaled,” said one guy Tuesday. “Where will we correct grammer now!?” The copyediters will certainly turn to suicide as there only hope of escape probably.

On a similar story, that same Monday, Newsicles were also forced to cut the saleries of the wrighters on its staff. In protest, the writers refuse to complete any

Local Lunatic Lowercased

In Crime on December 1, 2009 at 9:41 pm

After hundreds of noise complaints, inappropriate outbursts, and one clangorous killing, local police have finally apprehended the ALL CAPS KILLER. Police lured him to the library with the promise of a CAPS LOCK-IN, including ghost stories and a cheese plate. When the crowd gathered, ALL CAPS immediately stood out in the hushed surroundings.

An onlooker recorded the following conversation on her cell phone:

ACK: YOU HAVE NO PROOF. ANYONE HERE COULD BE THE ALL CAPS       KILLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Police: Ok. Just calm down.

ACK: WHAT?!?! I’M PERFECTLY CALM. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU MEAN.

Police: Don’t make this hard on yourself, if you just…

ACK: YOU HAVE NO PROOF.

Police: You are the only one here speaking in…

ACK: I’M INNOCENT.

Police: Stop interrup…

ACK: YOU HAVE NOTHING. NOTHING I TELL YOU.

Police: Put down the gun and stop yelling or else.

ACK: YELLING!!! WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS THINK I’M YELLING.

Moments later, amidst several shhs, police tackled the suspect and dragged him from the building. He is currently being held in the county jail with no possibility of keyboard access.