G. B. Risch's

Archive for November, 2009|Monthly archive page

FEAST Demands: See Past the Stuffing

In World on November 24, 2009 at 10:09 am

As Thanksgiving trots closer, turkeys are once again protesting in full flock. Unlike previous years, however, they will not be gathering outside grocery stores or Macy’s department stores. “There’s only one travesty worthy of our attention this year. Only one establishment has continuously degraded and misrepresented turkeys everywhere: the elementary school,” says Gus Gizord, spokesperson for the Federation of European, American and Scandinavian Turkeys (FEAST).  FEAST officials recently gave the order to march in front of all elementary schools. They released the following statement to the press:

No longer will we waddle aside and allow this injustice to continue. Place any of us beside a human hand, and you will see no similarities. When examining our heads, do you really see thumbs? Perhaps all human heads look like bowling balls. Furthermore, never once has any turkey uttered the despicable phrase “Gobble Gobble.” Were humans not born with ears? These acts of Crayola-inspired prejudice will no longer be tolerated.

Turkeys began gathering outside several schools on Monday. Parents are outraged over chants of “One. Two. Three. Four. Clear off the fridge door! Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Your kids are spreading acts of hate.” Despite complaints, protests have remained peaceful, and feather ruffling has been kept to a minimum.

Local turkeys carry antihuman signs in protest last night.

Standstills Stunned

In Sports on November 23, 2009 at 5:33 pm

Backed by a controversial non-call, the Irvine Immobilizers pushed past the Cincinnati Standstills in Freeze Tag League (FTL) action last night. Irvine came from behind to achieve Permafrost 26 seconds before the final whistle. With only 1:12 on the clock, Cincinnati’s star glaciator, Ryan “The Icicle Man” Isles, appeared to have Irvine’s one remaining thawer, Henry “Heatwave” Humphrey, cornered. Making a seemingly impossible double-reversing spin move, Humphrey avoided Isles. He then dove under an Irvine glaciator who, once thawed, quickly tagged Isles to end the game. The Standstill sideline argued that a flagrant fluidity flag should have been thrown. “He [the Irvine glaciator] clearly picked up his foot to allow the thawer through,” a frustrated Isles commented after the game.

Despite protests, the Immobilizers moves on to next week’s FTL championship game where they will take on an arctically efficient Fresno Frostbite team.

Study Results: The Rhythm Could Actually Get Ya

In Science & Technology on November 20, 2009 at 11:16 am

According to recent findings, almost 983 Americans now suffer from LDD (Lyrical Dissociative Disorder). Although the disease is extremely contagious, only a small percentage of people suffer from permanent lyrical episodes. Common symptoms include: fever (all through the night), chills (often multiplyin’), and weight loss (due to imagining there’s no hunger). Often, full-blown cases can present more obscure reactions such as nocturnal sunglass-wearing and kung fu fighting (with kicks equal to the speed of lightning).

Newsicles reporter, Bill Hafnote, interviewed a patient at the Melodic Mercy Center, the country’s primary LDD treatment facility. (Since the patient wishes to remain anonymous, we will refer to him only as LP.)

BH: Many doubters feel individuals are making up this…

LP: Don’t speak. I know just what you’re sayin’, so please stop explainin’.

BH: Ok. But what do you say to the people who fail to understand the severity of your disease?

LP: Come on! Get down with the sickness.

BH: Do you feel your battle with LDD has held you back at all?

LP: Bill, I believe this is killing me (as the smile ran away from his face). Well, I’m sure that I could be a movie star, if I could get outta this place.

BH: Don’t stop believin’.

LP: We gotta hold on to what we got. It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not.

BH: Word to your mother.

*For more information and to join the fight against LDD, please contact the Melodic Mercy Center at 867-5309.

Man Orders Steak, Side of Potatoes

In Domestic on November 18, 2009 at 8:14 pm

After he finishes his delicious meal, he  complains about the slow news day.

Flem Hornly steals a free meal at the local homeless shelter. Hurry up, Hornley! They're serving seconds!

Precious Joke Stolen

In Crime on November 18, 2009 at 1:53 pm

A Walla Walla, WA, clown is now humorless after his joke was violently (probably) stolen last Thursday.

Harry Poopicott (45) had one side-splitting, milk-shooting-through-your-nose  gag he would tell every day at his job as a street-performing clown until its theft. “I was riding my unicyle down the street, trying to avoid a banana peel on the road, when I heard some other knuckle head telling the same joke,” he says. “And then I heard the same joke a few days later from an ice cream vendor where I buy all my cream pies. Turns out the whole neighborhood uses that joke. Also, they were out of coconut cream.”

Police have no leads as to who stole the gag. “At this point, it could be anyone,” Chief Inspector Cockatoo says.

Although Poopicott is devastated, he surprisingly has a huge grin across his face the whole interview. “This is all a façade. I’m destroyed,” he mentions. Then he lights a cigar that blows up in his face and makes squeaky noises with his huge feet as we walks away. “I’m completely torn up inside.”

As for the joke? Poopicott starts it off, “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

Objecting Adjectives

In Politics on November 14, 2009 at 2:35 am

Hearings continued today in the most grammatically intense case of the century. The defense called their star witness: Miss Redon Kulus to the stand. Miss Kulus declared, “Gone are the days of mundane modifiers. We must rebuild our language with fantabulous new phrases.”

E. Normous and G. Gantic are suing the defendant, Gin Ormous, on the grounds of fraudulent descriptive activity.

World’s Most Ferocious Animal Named

In Science & Technology on November 14, 2009 at 1:51 am

A team of zoology social pscyhoanalysts have revealed the scariest animal on the planet: confusus lesbianus or what is more commonly referred to as the girl-liking straight girl (GSG). When asked why, out of all the planet kingdom’s beasts, the GSG was found to be the most petrifying, researchers gave the following statement:

Although they mate with the opposite sex, what makes the GSG so unique is her ability to attract and quickly destroy the same sex. While many of our studies are inconclusive, we have discovered the GSG’s flirtatious behavior to be extremely dangerous.

The boy-liking gay girl (erectus deflatus) and the snail rounded out the list.