G. B. Risch's

Newsicles 101: How To Survive Thanksgiving

In Domestic on November 11, 2014 at 6:47 pm

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Alas, it is almost time to begrudgingly travel to wherever to eat, drink, and bicker too much. However, not to despair dear readers. Here are a few tricks and tips to help you prevent turkey day ennui:

  • While watching the Macy’s Parade, allow your immaturity flag to fly and stay alert for any That’s What She Said joke. It is not unusual to hear things such as, “Wow, Mike, here comes the biggest one we’ve seen so far. Those 10 women can barely get a grip on it. Back to you Terry.”
  • Never attend a Thanksgiving with anyone under 18.
  • If your family includes small children, see above.
  • Tear off and eat as many pieces of the turkey skin as you damn well please. Get to it before anyone else has the chance. Cover the evidence by pinning on leaves. Say you saw it on Pinterest. Or keep a brown marker handy.
  • If asked, “White or red?”, respond “Yes.”
  • If you think it “sorta seems” like green bean casserole, pass.
  • If family members ask inappropriate personal questions, proudly state, “Listen, I am what I yam.” Make sure you are seated next to whoever laughs.
  • If there is a lull in conversation during dinner, start a food fight.
  • This isn’t a magical day of the year where your food intake levels magically triple. Eat the amount you normally would. Seriously, don’t just think that and do the opposite. Trust us. Better to laugh in the face of everyone else’s pain.
  • Convince everyone the phrase Black Friday is racist. Tell them you heard it on NPR.
  • If you take a bite of something revolting, immediately throw your hands up to your neck in the international symbol of “I am choking right now.” Then, as someone rushes to do the Heimlich maneuver, you can spit out the food without anyone judging, and everyone will completely understand if you can’t eat the rest. BONUS: You’ll quickly discover which family member cares about you the most.
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Man Born without Head Discovers He Cannot Wear Hats

In Crezy Noos on September 7, 2014 at 2:17 pm

In a strange twist, we revealed the whole story in the headline. There is no further information. We are not even sure of the man’s name. Neil something. Age anywhere from 23 to 71. When contacted via phone for a comment, he had this to say: “…”

As a comparison, the following are photos of men who, surprisingly, were born with heads. It is unconfirmed whether or not they could wear hats:

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Professor Ulrich Krock loves to use his amazing cranium to head-butt his students, think of solutions to problems, and nod. He feeds it four Slim Jims every morning to keep it docile.

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Little Donny Dope, who always tied ribbons on his guitar because he thought it made him play better. Hey, Donny, stop smiling! You have scabies!

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This man, Dr. Wa Wa Wuggsywoo III, is naked and lacks any genitalia. But at least he has a head!

Hit the Showers…with Strangers

In Science & Technology on July 16, 2014 at 2:39 pm

Untitled drawingFollowing in the footsteps of popular rideshare services like Uber and Lyft, Three Men in a Tub, Inc. is introducing a new shower/bath-sharing service called RubADub. With the app, the company hopes to reduce water usage and energy consumption while increasing the amount of clean backs and bathroom backup vocalists.

“I take a bath every night,” says avid RubADub user Jasmine Limpio, “and I always find myself looking around and thinking, ‘Man. There’s so much room in here!’ RubADub makes me feel like I’m really doing my part to save the Earth, ya know? Plus, with my small arms, I have a lot of hard to reach places.”

Here’s how it works:

  1. Open the app.
  2. Immediately see people in your area who are planning to bathe soon.
  3. Tap on their icon to alert them you’re on the way.
  4. Grab a towel and head out!

RubADub costs $3.99 and is compatible with Android and Apple devices.

Note: Just before this went to press, Newsicles discovered a top secret project in the works at Three Men in a Tub. While we haven’t uncovered any specific details, we do know the service will be called WeeWillyWinky and is slated for release in Spring 2015.